Nothing is Ever Ideal
by haveyounomercy
Summary: An unconventional story in which a love goes through sixteen years before it's acknowledged. Or, how Kaidoh learned to understand his heart. One-shot, Kaidoh/OC/Hazue, Kaidoh/OC.


**A/N:** One day I will stop writing monster fics. This originally was supposed to end a whole 4,000 words ago but I got addicted to this universe and just wrote more and more and I think I almost deleted it at one point. :'D I'm actually not that happy with this fic, but it's my 50th and oh, I don't know anymore. I don't think I'll ever be wholly satisfied with anything I write.

For the lovely **doroniasobi**, for her birthday. I don't know if it's angst-y enough, but after finishing it I really wanted to dedicate it to you for some reason. (I'll make you a real birthday fic soon enough with a topic that actually makes sense I promise.)

Also, I substituted 'Kaidoh' for 'Kaoru' since Hazue's also in here, so that would only make sense. (Also, Hazue doesn't have a character tag? So not cool.)

Disclaimer: All rights go to their respective owners.

"Sin is not hurtful because it is forbidden, but it is forbidden because it is hurtful."

**i.**

The Matsuyama's lived two houses down the street from the Kaidoh's. From early on, it was common for them to invite each other over to play dates, barbecues, and school recitals.

That is, until the three kids grew older and slowly drifted apart from each other. Kaoru, the oldest, went into Seigaku and started playing tennis. Yuuka, the second oldest and only girl, enrolled into the girls-only Haruka Gakuen. Hazue, the youngest and most spoiled, eventually chased after his brother into Seigaku as well.

Their parents still called and invited each other over for dinner, but things just weren't the same like when they were younger. Especially not for Kaoru, who only grew more and more antisocial. Dinners became awkward to the point where the parents stopped inviting their children and went out together instead.

And then one day, Matsuyama Yuuka turned pretty.

She had always been cute, in a sort of homely way. Kaoru remembered her having long straight black hair and light brown eyes. She used to separate her hair in the middle, and didn't attract any unnecessary attention. She was alright, he supposed. He had never looked at her in that kind of light though, because girls had cooties and tennis was far more important than the opposite gender.

Then two years after the last time they'd met, she turned up on their doorstep with leftover chicken wings.

Except it almost wasn't her at all. The girls at her school had opted to give her a makeover, turning the modest-looking Yuuka into something that actually made Hazue blush when he first saw her. Her hair had been trimmed short, ending just below her chin. She was given soft curls, side bangs, and face cream.

She was really a rather beautiful sight to open the door to.

"I brought over our leftover chicken wings," she smiled, standing on their doorstep.

Kaoru only stared. "Who are you?"

Yuuka laughed, and suddenly Kaoru remembered. There was something about her laugh: it was feminine and upbeat and it made him feel calm. It was very much unlike the laugh of that idiot girl that was always screaming about Echizen.

That was the year they'd made it to Nationals. Afterwards, the two families had gotten together and everyone praised Yuuka's beauty and told the two boys that they'd have to work hard to defend her from all the other boys. Kaoru looked at his brother who was looking at Yuuka intently, and felt strangely unpleasant.

**ii.**

"I'm terrified of flying, you know." Yuuka told Hazue.

Raising an eyebrow, Hazue continued on doing his math homework. Yuuka, being good at math, had come over to tutor him for a bit after his last 'unpleasant' mark on the midterm test. It was embarrassing; she was a _girl_ and he didn't need to learn anything from girls. But she was kind of a pretty girl, and she was an old friend. He didn't know what to make of her. "Why did you suddenly bring that up?"

Yuuka laughed, pointing at Hazue's pencil case. "It was just an off-handed comment after seeing your airplane eraser. Very classy for an eleven year old."

"You're only one year older than me!" Hazue wrinkled his nose, putting his pencil down. Stretching, he sighed. "I hate math."

"If I were that bad at it, I wouldn't like it either." Kaoru muttered as he came down the stairs. He nodded to Yuuka and then took a bottle of water from the fridge.

Hazue rolled his eyes and stuck his tongue out. Kaoru hissed back and started up the stairs, his muscles aching from his previous run.

"Why don't you stay with us, Kaoru-kun?" Yuuka asked, stopping him. She smiled. "I barely see you these days!"

Hazue just snorted. "He's too busy playing tennis." Grinning, he pointed at his brother. "Did you know that he invented this new move the other day? It was like 'wooosh' and then 'bang'!" Hazue made hand gestures as he talked, bringing Kaoru to a blush. Kaoru proceeded to march up the stairs after telling his brother not to be stupid and saying goodnight to Yuuka.

"He's so stiff." She laughed. "But he's nice."

"He's the best big brother!" Hazue declared, picking his pencil back up again. "Even if he makes little children cry."

Yuuka just laughed again, staring at bottom of the stairs. "Yeah, he's really nice."

**iii.**

Hazue saw her from across the street, horrified to find that his face had gone red. Standing in his junior high uniform awkwardly, he realized how young he felt when he saw her in her high school uniform. It was spring, and he had just started his last year of middle school. When school started he had felt older, more mature, cooler.

But seeing Yuuka walking in her summer uniform across the street effortlessly, he suddenly felt immature, young, and kind of weak.

The wind blew softly and she brought a hand back to tuck a stray curl behind her ear, casually looking behind her. When she caught sight of him, she grinned and turned around. "Hazue-kun? What are you doing just standing there?"

Still flushing a bit, he ran up and crossed the street to stand beside her-she was even the same height as him. He frowned. "Nothing much, just... walking home."

Yuuka raised an eyebrow, "And you saw me but didn't say hello? What's up with that?"

"I have better things to do than that," Hazue rolled his eyes childishly. "Obviously, I was uh, thinking about stuff."

"Really?" Her tone teasing, she smiled. "Tell me the deep thoughts of a middle-schooler, then."

Hazue leaned back to look up at the sky, and pouted. "I was thinking that... I kind of wish I was older."

Yuuka stayed silent, waiting for him to go on.

"If I was older, I could do more things with you and Kaoru-niichan. You know, like go to the same school and stuff." Hazue blushed again, looking down. "Nevermind, actually."

For a while, Yuuka just stared at him. Then, she tilted her head in the direction of their houses. "I bought a new CD yesterday. Do you like 'The Pioneers'?"

He wrinkled his nose. "Who?"

"Come over and I'll let you listen." Yuuka started walking ahead, looking over her shoulder when Hazue didn't follow. "Oh hurry up, I don't have all day, you know."

Hazue followed after quickly, his stance relaxing and a smile forming on his lips. "I bet you only like them for their looks," he said as they neared their destination.

"Say another word and I'm not letting you in." Yuuka replied easily, handing him her schoolbag. "Oh, and you can take this upstairs for me. I'll bring up some drinks. Is oolong tea okay?"

Hazue took the bag, smiling back. "Thanks, Yuuka-chan."

"No problem." Yuuka grinned, "You know, you're cool to hang out with, Hazue-kun. It's not like one year is that much of a difference, anyway."

As she left, even though he was thoroughly disgusted at the notion, Hazue felt his heart thump.

**iv.**

Yuuka and Hazue started dating when Yuuka was in her third year of high school. This meant that Kaoru was just entering college, Hazue was a second year, and everyone else was wondering why they weren't surprised. The two had grown closer over the years, and there was just something about them that made Kaoru wonder if they had been together much longer before they announced it.

In fact, his first words after they had told him were: "Is that all you called me down for?"

They matched, he supposed. Hazue was kind of a brat, and Yuuka had all the patience in the world. When the two of them smiled, Kaoru was happy. More importantly, _they_ were happy. Not many months later Yuuka graduated, going into the same university that Kaoru had chosen. They even shared a class: Psychology/Sociology.

Kaoru had been pressured to take it during his second year because Inui-senpai told him he had to work on his people skills. Yuuka had merely took it for fun. Both of them stared at each other when they realized the other was in their class.

And then Yuuka laughed, and they ended up sitting next to each other.

Kaoru wasn't exactly pleased at the arrangement, but at least she kept him awake during the lectures.

**v.**

"You really run very hard," Yuuka mentioned to him as she panted for breath. "Are you secretly some kind of machine or something?"

Kaoru, jogging beside her, only smirked. "You should've seen me in my teens. I did this three times a day, and all sorts of other crazy stuff."

"I did see you, you were a monster." Yuuka gasped for air, shaking her head. After a few deep breaths, she made a cutting motion across her throat. "I can't do this anymore. I'm beat."

Kaoru, who was only sweating lightly, hissed in amusement. "You're never going to work off that baby fat if you give up." Joking, he patted her on the shoulder. "You asked me to help you lose a few pounds, right? Come on, just another two kilometres to go." Truthfully, he didn't think she needed to lose any weight. Especially not since the reason was to impress his brat of a brother. But since she asked him to help her, he'd be damned if he didn't help her achieve her goal.

"Another two kilometres?" Yuuka almost screamed, backing away. "No thanks. I used to watch you all the time in junior high. You would run for hours on end every single day, so of course it's no problem for _you_. I, personally, have never done more than twenty push-ups in one sitting. You can't expect me to do what you do."

Kaoru snorted. "You watched me that much?"

"All the time," Yuuka smiled. "It was amazing. You would run no matter what the weather or time. Unfailingly, every day, you would be out there."

Unable to stop a flush from creeping into his cheeks, Kaoru shook his head. "I was just working towards my goal."

Both of them stayed silent for a while, Yuuka still catching her breath. Kaoru knew what she wanted to ask next, but he didn't make any hints towards it. His left ankle instinctively twitched, and he looked up at the sky.

Then, "Did you achieve it?"

"No," Kaoru said quietly. "I stopped before I could achieve it. I got an injury halfway during my second year of high school. Stupidly enough, I pushed myself too hard and damaged my ankle. It's fine now for running like this, but I can't go back to playing tennis like I used to. Going pro wasn't an option anymore." Remembering his disappointment and anger, Kaoru hissed. "I keep running and exercising to keep fit, I guess. And to remind me of old days."

Eyes wide, Yuuka opened her mouth, then closed it. "I'm so sorry," she finally said. "I didn't know it was that bad. I only thought that you had quit."

"Don't worry about it," Kaoru frowned. "I was upset at first, but then a stupid idiot told me that my life wasn't over and I was being too dramatic. It wasn't like I couldn't play tennis anymore, I just couldn't go pro."

"He must have been a good friend." Yuuka smiled.

Kaoru snorted again. "Stop distracting me. We have more laps to run."

**vi.**

"Are you free next Wednesday?" Two big brown eyes looked up at him. "My mom wants you all to come over."

Kaoru frowned. "Can't on Wednesday, have a birthday party to go to." God, he was an adult now. Birthday parties sounded so... immature.

"You're quite the popular one, aren't you?" Yuuka smiled, picking up her fork and knife. "And gross, the cafeteria food here really is horrible."

"Yeah." Kaoru agreed, shrugging. Then, he squirmed uncomfortably. It was only polite to ask her too now that she knew. "Do you want to come with me?"

Yuuka laughed, her eyes twinkling. "You don't want me to come with you."

Disgruntled but nevertheless relieved, Kaoru hissed. "What do you mean? I just asked you to come."

"Please," Yuuka rolled her eyes. "I know where I'm not wanted. Besides, you don't even like me."

Kaoru glared at her, knowing that she was putting him on the spot with that question. If he said he did like her, it would sound wrong. If he said he didn't, it would sound mean. Plus, there was something uncomfortable about the whole affair. So he picked up his water and drank out of it, pointedly ignoring her.

"Oh, don't be mad. I was only playing with you." Yuuka smiled, tilting her head. "But no, I won't come. It's alright."

He let out a small breath of relief. Still, something clogged in his chest. He drank more water. "Well then."

Yuuka chewed on her curry. "Well then."

**vii.**

Kaoru stared at the daintily wrapped box in his hand. "What's this?"

Yuuka put her hands on her hips and arched an eyebrow. "Come on, Kaoru-kun. You've never been given a Valentine's gift before?"

Feeling a blush creep onto his cheeks, Kaoru tugged at his bandanna and hissed. "We're in university now, of course I have." Then, he looked at her. "But why are _you_ giving _me_ one?"

"Well, there are lots of reasons." Yuuka tilted her head and then shook it. "But let's not delve into them. It's a courtesy chocolate, of course. Take it!"

Well, he wasn't sure how he felt at getting a courtesy chocolate, and it was almost even more embarrassing that it was from his brother's girlfriend. However, Kaoru nodded and thanked her for the gift. They caught each other's eyes, and something weird fluttered in his stomach. A flash of worry passed through Yuuka's eyes, and they broke off.

"Then, I'll be going. Have fun with your next classes!" Yuuka bowed, walking off into the crowds of people. Kaoru stood in the busy hallway, wondering why he was feeling so self-conscious. The same scene was happening everywhere around him, and surely no one had been watching them.

Still, he looked around cautiously.

He pocketed the chocolate box and headed off for his next class.

Two periods later, his hand made its way to his pocket and Kaoru's eyes widened in the middle of the professor's lecture. The box must have fallen out when he squeezed through the rush crowd during the lunch period. Hissing, he pushed the matter away and tried to concentrate.

Perhaps it was better to have lost it anyway.

**viii.**

"Oh. Hey." Kaoru greeted as he came down the stairs, getting ready for his run. Yuuka was making tea in his kitchen as always, and he had to pause to wonder when this situation became classified as 'as always'.

"Kaoru-kun!" Yuuka turned around, smiling. "Are you going for your run now?"

"Yeah," Kaoru nodded as grabbed a bottle of water from the fridge. "What are you doing here?"

Yuuka shrugged. "Hazue wanted to tell me something, I think. Should I make you something for when you come back?"

Shaking his head, Kaoru started heading out the door. "I'll be okay, thanks. See you later."

An hour later, Yuuka was wearing a ring on her hand and sobbing and Hazue was beaming like the idiot Momoshiro. Kaoru, covered in sweat, blinked.

"Did I miss something?"

Yuuka turned red all over, and showed him her hand. "I-I'm _engaged_, Kaoru-" she paused, then looked hesitant. "It would be Kaoru-niichan now, wouldn't it?"

Kaoru turned pink then, too. Removing his bandanna, he felt his heart pang in a way that must have been from his run. "Congratulations."

Hazue launched himself onto his brother then, and Kaoru smiled just the tiniest bit.

**ix.**

Hazue nervously picked up one pastry, and then the other. He took a bite of each, frowning.

"I can't decide."

Kaoru rolled his eyes, hissing slowly. "It's not that big of a deal. Just choose one and let's go."

"It is a big deal!" Whipping around, Hazue waved both in the air. "One of these is to be the dessert that goes around during the reception of the wedding! Someone is going to base their opinion on us from this! Help me!"

"You know I don't anything about sweets." Kaoru frowned, inching his chair away. "Why are you doing this anyway?"

Hazue's shoulders drooped and he sighed. "I don't know, Yuuka asked me to." Putting the pastries back on his plate, he leaned across the table. "Actually, you know what I could use right now?"

Kaoru rasied an eyebrow.

"I could really use a burger." Hazue licked his lips. "All this sweet stuff is killing me."

"Don't be an idiot. Besides, Yuuka asked you to do this." Kaoru crossed his arms over his chest.

Hazue groaned. "I know, I know." Looking around, he blinked. "Wait, she's just going to find fault in whatever I choose anyway, so I'll just pick a random one! I'll go with the lemon meringue!"

Kaoru frowned deeper. "I hate lemon meringue."

"All the more reason to choose it, then." Hazue grinned cheekily, and Kaoru hit him on the head.

"You never grow up, do you?" Muttering, Kaoru waved for the waitress.

"My wife says it's endearing." Hazue batted his eyelashes, getting his wallet out.

Kaoru snorted, unable to think of anything else to say. Partially because of Hazue's stupidity, and partially because he just realized: the two were actually getting married.

His chest tightened. Stupid lemon meringue.

**x.**

"It's weird to call you my brother," Yuuka mentioned with a sigh. "I just can't get used to it."

Kaoru arched an eyebrow. "Is this some kind of code for calling off the wedding?"

"Oh, don't be like that." Yuuka flicked his shoulder lightly, looking up at the sun. "You know what I mean."

He didn't, really. Continuing to eat his ice cream, Kaoru looked around. They were sitting on his mother's balcony, a few blissful moments of peace during the hectic months before a wedding. "Then just call me Kaoru." Shrugging, he looked over at his soon-to-be sister. She had grown her hair out again, but she kept the curls with Hazue's persuasion. At this moment, he gently tugged on one.

She wrinkled her nose and then smiled, "Alright then, _Kaoru_. ...Yes, that sounds much better. It sounds nice, just like..." she blushed, "Kaidoh Yuuka."

"Now we're all Kaidoh's, huh." Kaoru sighed, "Another sibling I have to take care of."

Yuuka laughed and flicked him again. "Stop trying to distract me when you know that we have to go for your tuxedo fitting in a few minutes."

He hissed, frowning. "Isn't Hazue supposed to be in charge of taking care of me?"

"Eat your ice cream and let's go." Yuuka reprimanded, standing up to leave for the car. Kaoru grudgingly followed soon after, knowing that he would have to wrestle the car keys from her or else they'd never make it to the fitting. Yuuka drove like a blind old man.

A _slow _blind old man.

**xi.**

"Kaidoh! Kaidoh!"

Kaoru gave the world's iciest glare to the wedding's only mistake: Momoshiro. "What do you want, you idiot?"

Grinning, Momoshiro slung an arm around his old friend. "I'm congratulating you, of course! You have a hot sister now!"

"Don't be stupid," Kaoru pushed him off, brushing the lint off of his tuxedo. "And don't call her that."

"Aw, don't say that." Momoshiro cast an eye across to the room to the happy bride, who was accepting yet another wedding present. "She _is_ really pretty, though."

Kaoru grunted. "I suppose she is." He was lying, though. She was stunning. Having opted to go with a simple ball gown, Yuuka was wearing the elegant bride look with her hair up, a few curls circling her face cutely. She was breathtakingly beautiful, but hell if Kaoru would let anyone know that he thought that.

"When are you going to find a chick, huh?" Momoshiro prodded, only grinning wider at Kaoru's agitated hiss. "I noticed you came alone, but that's only to be expected of a stupid viper like you!"

Stepping on his feet, Kaoru glared. "Talk to me again and I will kill you." With another angry hiss, he stalked off while glaring at everyone. Momoshiro watched him go with an amused grin.

"I am so glad Hazue invited me," Momoshiro muttered as his old-time rival walked away from him. Sliding his way towards Inui, he raised an eyebrow. "Doesn't Mamushi look happy?"

"There's an 89% chance that he is." Inui smiled a little back, happy that his friend was happy. The two ignored the other 11%, tacking it off as Kaoru just not ever being 100% happy.

"I'm going to get _smashed_ tonight." Momoshiro declared after a few minutes.

Inui adjusted his glasses. "Would you like to know the percentage of Kaidoh-kun's approval of that?"

Momoshiro whistled for the waiter. "I think I have a guess."

Across the room Kaoru watched with a sense of dread as Momoshiro proceeded to order seven different glasses of wine. After a few more minutes of glaring, he shook his head and downed a glass of champagne himself, looked at Yuuka, and felt his mind haze.

That night as Momoshiro almost took down the entire wedding hall by himself, Kaoru sat on the floor inside a washroom stall and let himself drunkenly admit for the first time that he loved Yuuka. Not soon after, he puked and passed out.

The next day he forgot about it all.

**xii.**

He was filling out résumés when the call came.

When he first answered, there was absolute silence. Hissing, he tried again. "Hello?"

And suddenly, in almost a whisper, "Kaoru." The whisper then exploded into a sniffing and then there were hiccups and sobbing and crying all at once, and all Kaoru could do was clench the phone to his ear tightly. On the other end, Yuuka bawled. "Oh, Kaoru, _Kaoru_!"

"What is it? Yuuka?" Eyes wide, he frowned. "What's wrong?"

"Kaoru," the next words came out as a whisper again, "I'm _pregnant_."

He felt his world around him collapse, and he didn't even know why. "You... that's great, Yuuka."

"No it's not." Yuuka's voice was desperate and... scared? Yuuka took a shaky breath in. "No it's not because I just found out and I have to tell Hazue and oh god, these past few years have been a _horrible mistake_."

Kaoru was about to deny it, about to shake sense into her, and then his words failed him. He thought of Yuuka's laugh and her smile and the way they felt calm around each other. He thought of how beautiful she was and how she made his heart feel like it was on a rollercoaster. He thought of how he never thought she was his sister.

And suddenly after eleven years of fooling himself, he _knew_. The moment he had forgotten about on the floor in the bathroom of his brother's wedding came rushing back to him and yes, his world was definitely falling apart.

Still, he wouldn't let this ruin everything. He was the big brother; he needed to bring it all back on track. They were not sinners, and they were not going to be. His voice hoarse, he forced words to come back to him. "That baby is a good thing for you and Hazue. Stop crying, Yuuka. You're going to be a mother."

Yuuka only sobbed into the receiver.

He hissed, knowing that for some reason it soothed her. "Stop it. You need to go tell Hazue."

"I-I love you, Kaoru."

For a heart stopping moment he forgot how to breathe.

Shakily, he closed his eyes and kicked himself. "I'm sorry, but I don't love you." _I love you with all my heart. I've loved you for eleven years. You are my brother's wife and I... don't deserve you._

"You're a liar," she whispered, and then she hung up.

Kaoru threw his phone against the wall and forced himself not to cry.

**xiii.**

They found each other two days later, having separated themselves from the busy crowd of partiers inside the house. Undoubtedly the two of them would be recognized as missing soon, but no one would be suspicious. And they had no reason to be. The newly pregnant wife and the antisocial older brother were always sitting quietly together in parties, they were probably just talking over the big announcement.

Closing the door quietly, they stood inside Kaoru's old room. He had long since moved out into his own apartment, mostly because Yuuka moved in with Hazue, and the empty room seemed like a place where they wouldn't be bothered. They stood a healthy distance away from each other, both unable to speak.

Like fools, they wished things would slow down for them to figure out what was going on, but time moved on without them.

Kaoru tried not to be sick. Something about seeing her after he had heard her say that... he felt nauseous all over. Nauseous, breathless, and scared. From the way Yuuka was pointedly not looking at him, he could tell it was the same for her.

"I can't ignore it," Yuuka said slowly in between stretches of silence. "I can't ignore what I said to you. But, I don't get it." Her eyes stayed glued to the floor as her voice faltered. "I love Hazue too. Did you see how happy he was back there? He's a great husband and I know I love him as well so... why?" Her breath hitching, she raised her eyes at him pleadingly. "Why do I have this feelings? Why can't I ignore them?"

Struggling to keep his face stoic, he breathed in. "You have to ignore them. They're... they're wrong." Kaoru flinched at the hurt look she gave him. "You said you loved Hazue." She nodded, biting her lip. "That means that you can't love me at the same time."

"You're right," she said quietly after silently thinking it over. "I... need to ignore them. Not just for us, or Hazue, but also-" Yuuka's hands tightened across her stomach. Kaoru felt his world spin, and he hissed. This wasn't how it was supposed to happen. This never should've happened.

Grabbing onto his old desk to support himself, Kaoru looked straight into her eyes. "Never again," Kaoru hissed. "We will never speak or think of this ever again."

Yuuka nodded, leaning against the door to Kaoru's room. "It never happened."

They met each other's eyes, and both turned away quickly. They stayed like that for another five minutes, both trying hard not to throw up.

"Well, I'm going back now." Yuuka said as she wiped her eyes, looking down. "Hazue's probably looking for me."

"Yeah." Kaoru nodded dumbly. "See you around then." There was a numb feeling in his hands, stretching up across his shoulders and all the way down to his toes. There wasn't anything else to say.

"See you around," Yuuka mumbled back and right before she left, she turned around and smiled at him through tear-filled eyes. "Kaoru-niichan."

It damn well broke his heart.

**xiv.**

"Congratulations," Kaoru forced a smile, "Hazue."

"Thank you." Hazue beamed.

"Yes." Yuuka smiled painfully beside him. "Thank you."

Being on too much of a high to realize the tension between them, Hazue grabbed onto his brother's hand eagerly. "Listen, I've been looking around for houses recently, and now I've got a perfect excuse to buy one. I've been eyeing one specifically, and it's not that far from your apartment. Do you want to stay over sometime and help me with Yuuka? Mom said if you don't, then she will." He pulled a face. "And you know Mom."

"Yeah, I do." Kaoru felt his heart relax a little at the mention of their mother, who was absolutely glowing with happiness. "I'm sure I can help out." Yeah, _right_.

Yuuka frowned worriedly. "But you're still in school! And you're looking for work! It's not too much of a bother... is it?" Somewhere in her tone, Kaoru heard something hopeful. It made something move in him. Maybe, maybe if he tried, they could be friends again. That would be nice. Maybe it would all work out.

"I'll take time off." Assuring her, Kaoru hissed. "I've got some money in the bank anyway. I'll be alright."

"Then it's settled!" Hazue grinned cheerfully, rubbing Yuuka's stomach. Yuuka couldn't help but laugh a little, and Kaoru watched them nervously.

It would all work out.

It had to.

**xv.**

Unsurprisingly, Yuuka wasn't all sunshine and roses during her pregnancy. She had both the Kaidoh brothers running left and right, fetching her things and desperately trying to please her.

"I don't understand," Hazue said one day as he turned around on the couch. "Why can't I sleep on the bed? All I said was that the baby was showing!"

Kaoru shook his head. "I wouldn't question her decisions if I were you." It was true; Yuuka was legitimately terrifying whenever someone talked about her weight. Being six months in the process, she had gained quite a bit and her eyes had perpetual dark circles around them. He hadn't seen Yuuka smile properly in months. Was this what pregnancy did to people? Hissing, he went to make some coffee.

"Do you think she's happy to have the baby?"

He nearly dropped the coffee pot. "What do you mean?"

Hazue covered his eyes and groaned. "It's just that... the first few days after we found out... she cried a lot. She didn't seem like she was very happy. Was it too early?" Yuuka had been in her third year of university when they found out. After three months, she had dropped out due to pressure. Both grandmothers had insisted that she had to rest for the baby to be healthy, and nobody could go against them.

Yuuka resented it at first, but after Kaoru quit too so that he could help out with her needs, she shut up. Kaoru would go back to his engineering studies the next year, and she would finish her business degree when the child was old enough to be separated from its mother. Hazue was taking over the company from his father, so he would do that while working on his own degree online.

"I'm sure she's happy," Kaoru said as nonchalantly as he could, trying to ease his brother. However, the question brought back a whole level of buried memories that Kaoru couldn't deal with. Was she happy? It was a good question. Kaoru hadn't thought of it himself.

But then again, he shouldn't have to. They were friends, in-laws, nothing more.

"Get some sleep," he grunted. "It'll be crazy again tomorrow."

Hazue made some kind of noise in reply, and was snoring before the coffee was ready. Kaoru poured a cup for himself and drank it black. He didn't exactly like the bitterness, but it woke him up pretty quick.

"I'm happy," came a small voice from behind him. Kaoru whipped around, eyes wide. Yuuka smiled back at him, strangely calm for once. Her baby bump was showing nicely, and she was glowing from the bath salts Hazue had brought over from Nagoya. "Very happy. I'm sorry for making you guys so worried."

"No, it's alright." Kaoru muttered offhandedly, still surprised that she had been listening. "Go back to sleep."

Yuuka nodded, casting a glance to the snoring Hazue. "I'm glad to have such a caring husband."

Kaoru's stomach tied itself in ten thousand knots. "Yeah, you are."

"I really can't stay mad at him." Yuuka laughed softly. Then, she treaded out of the living room and closed the door to her bedroom. Kaoru let out the breath he had been unconsciously holding.

He thought of Yuuka, the baby, and Hazue. One sleepless night months ago, he had imagined himself in Hazue's place. Then he had promptly slapped himself, and knew that he could never resent either Hazue nor Yuuka for what had happened. It was entirely his fault that he had feelings for her. Still, the _what if's_ never ceased. Seeing his brother trying so hard for Yuuka though, snoring so peacefully on the sofa, Kaoru couldn't help but chuckle. "Me neither."

**xvi.**

Kaoru started hanging out with Inui more and more to get rid of his worries. They started off exercising together after finding each other still persevering to keep fit, and over the months they had re-established the tight bond they had had in junior high.

It was their regular gym training that Kaoru liked the most, other than the running of course. He still liked to push himself, and Inui was the same.

Inui, who was never really good at weight training however, always tried to make light conversation to ease his pain. It was actually somewhat amusing. "How are your studies going?"

"Good, I guess. Catching up is harder than I thought it would be." Kaoru hissed. Everything had gone as planned: Yuuka delivered an adorable little girl with lots of screaming, Kaoru had gone back to university, and Inui and him were going for runs again. It was like his life was slowly getting back on track.

"There's an 81% chance that you'll get the grades you want," Inui mentioned as he got off his machine, opting to watch Kaoru instead. "You're very persevering. I can't even lift half of what I could back then."

Kaoru grunted, stopping. "No, I've gotten weaker. A year ago, Hazue and Yuuka moved into their house. I had to go and help, and I couldn't carry half the stuff there."

They fell silent as they both recharged. After a few more sets, they headed off into the change rooms and refilled their water bottles.

"I'm surprised you get along so well with Yuuka-san," Inui smiled. "You're usually so cold towards girls."

"She's an old friend." Kaoru muttered, not wanting to say anything else. He knew Inui was curious concerning them and the tension that appeared every now and then. Trying to distract him, Kaoru hissed again. "How are your studies going?"

No one had really been surprised when Inui took up medicine after quitting tennis, he was well on his way to becoming a pharmacist and had already been scouted out by a few companies. Kaoru was envious of him: his life was so stable.

"You're still quite hard to read..." Inui murmured, not taking the bait. "What is the difference between Yuuka and the other girls?"

"I'm sorry," Kaoru looked up sharply, "But that's one thing I can't have you prying into." Regretting it the moment he said it, he shook his head. "I'm sorry, Inui-senpai. I didn't mean to say that."

Inui merely laughed. "You really haven't changed at all, have you? Even calling me senpai after all these years."

Kaoru flushed a little, taking a sip of water. For once, Inui was wrong. Kaoru had changed a lot. On the outside, his trademark bandanna spoke otherwise but... there was an emptiness that followed Kaoru around these days. A hollow feeling in his chest and a burning sensation in the back of his skull, keeping him awake at night.

"I have a coupon to the hot pot restaurant across from your apartment, do you want to go?" Inui pushed up his glasses, smiling.

Kaoru nodded. It would all fade in time, he was sure. Now he had to get his life back on its route; something that he would do no matter what it took.

**xvii.**

"Ishihara Ayako."

Kaoru shook the hand that was given to him, nodding. "Kaidoh Kaoru."

Ayako retracted her hand, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear. She was everything a Japanese lady was expected to be: polite, reserved, beautiful. With her long black hair and porcelain skin, she looked so polished and well put together that Kaoru felt unworthy just being in her presence.

"My mother was right, you are very polite." Taking a sip of water, she pursed her lips. "But then, my mom is insane. Putting me in a blind date at this age, it's ridiculous."

Silently agreeing with a hiss, Kaoru opened his menu. He was twenty-nine and single, was that not alright? Apparently not for his mother. However, the blind date wasn't turning out to be an absolute disaster. Yet.

He looked up to see her staring at him intently over her own menu.

"Is something wrong?" Kaoru asked, raising an eyebrow.

"That hissing thing," she raised an eyebrow in return, "Are you trying to copy a snake?"

Kaoru flushed. "It's a habit." There wasn't much else of an explanation. "I tried to get rid of it years ago, but it just didn't work out."

Ayako lowered her eyes back down to her menu. "Of course not, you've done it since middle school after all."

"Excuse me?" This time both eyebrows rose. "I'm sorry, have we met before?"

"No," Ayako replied, still not looking at him. "But I did use to have a crush on someone you knew. As a result, I went to every tennis game he participated in. You left quite a memory in my head."

Kaoru let out a hiss of amusement. "Who was it that you admired?"

"No one special." Ayako's voice was cold, but there was the smallest tint of pink on her cheeks. She cleared her throat. "No one at all."

"I bet it was from Hyoutei," Kaoru offered. "You seem like a Hyoutei kind of girl."

Ayako looked back up, but she didn't seem to be offended. "You mean I'm pretentious and stuck-up?"

Kaoru frowned, avoiding the question. "I bet it was Oshitari."

"It was Shishido." Giving a small smile, Ayako's eyes twinkled. "Those words from before were actually the ones he used to reject me. Personally, I think he added stuck-up as an afterthought."

He was wrong, she wasn't nearly as polite or reserved as he had thought. But he kind of liked that.

They left that night with each other's numbers and a promise to meet up again the next week. If not as dates, then as friends.

Kaoru was slowly pulling himself together again.

**xviii.**

Kaidoh Sakura was a sweet little girl with big hazel eyes and short black hair. She was cute, sweet, and kind of mischievous.

She also had her uncle wrapped around her little six-year old finger.

"Is Ayako-nee coming over again?" Sakura asked in broken toddler language, climbing on top of her uncle's lap. "I like her."

"I like her too," Kaoru replied, hissing as she flopped down. "And I don't know if she is. You'll have to be a good girl if you want her back." It was true. He did like Ayako. She was pretty, determined, and honest. After the first few dates, they had decided that they actually did enjoy each other's company, strangely enough. Around their three month period, they went together to meet Hazue and his family. Awkwardness aside, everyone had liked each other well enough.

It was four months now, and they were getting comfortable with each other. He knew that her favourite fruit was peaches, she always watched the morning news, she had a strange fascination with curry, and she was stubborn as hell. She knew quite a bit about him too, save for a few facts that he wasn't planning on letting anyone know. Which meant that she was never allowed to meet Momoshiro.

She also didn't know about Yuuka, and he wasn't planning on telling her anytime soon. Such matters were long ago forgotten. Or at least, supposedly.

"I want ice cream!" Sakura declared as she sat in his lap, clearly bored with the topic of conversation.

Kaoru lifted her up, carrying her in one arm towards the kitchen. "Strawberry or vanilla?"

"She won't eat anything other than strawberry nowadays." Yuuka smiled from inside the kitchen. "Only let her have a bite, we're having dinner soon." Tilting her head, she looked at Kaoru. "You're staying, right?"

Kaoru merely nodded, heading for the fridge. Somehow over the years, the tension died down somewhat between them. It never totally left, though. Whenever they stood next to each other, bumped elbows, Kaoru felt that sickening feeling in his stomach again. Was it jealousy? Anger? Shame?

Or worst of all, regret?

"I like Kaoru-oji the best!" Sakura declared as she was handed a small bowl of strawberry ice cream. "Hey, when I get married, can I marry Kaoru-oji?"

Kaoru chuckled, "Then what about Ayako-nee?" For some reason, Ayako had decided that it was perfectly okay for Kaoru to be called an uncle, while she needed to remain a big sister. It was those quirks that Kaoru found interesting in her, he supposed.

"We can get married too," Sakura said absentmindedly. "Along with Mama and Papa and Inui-oji!"

Both adults cringed at her adding Inui to the mix, but then they slowly started laughing. Sakura had only met Kaoru's friend once, but she had been immediately intrigued by his shiny glasses and tall frame.

"That would make everything a lot easier, wouldn't it, Kaoru-niichan?" Yuuka laughed, then stopped abruptly when she realized what she said. Kaoru didn't laugh either, and they both looked elsewhere. Eventually Sakura finished her ice cream and Kaoru put the bowl in the sink. Yuuka continued stirring the soup, only piping up when Sakura started running around. "O-okay now Sakura-chan, time to go play with Kaoru-oji outside of the kitchen. Mama has some work to do."

Kaoru swept the other girl up in his arms and left silently, his heart still pounding. If it had just been his reaction, he wouldn't have worried. He would have gone home and worked off the excess thoughts. But Yuuka had reacted as well.

And that meant, even after so long...

"Are you okay?" Sakura asked, tugging on his shirt. Kaoru hissed, some of the colour returning back to his face.

"I'm fine," he murmured. "Just, thinking."

Sometimes he wished he couldn't think. Then he'd be happily with Ayako, guiltless around Hazue, and he wouldn't have to feel his world break at every single thing Yuuka said.

**xix.**

Ayako looked up from her cell phone to gape. "You're kidding."

Flushing, Kaoru hissed. "I'm not. This is important."

"I know it's important but," Ayako put down her cell phone, trying to find the right words to say. "It's a tad... strange."

"Just take it." Kaoru muttered as she shoved the small notebook in her hands. After he was done, he promptly stood up and walked over to his small kitchen where he poured himself some water. Ayako sat on the couch in the living room, flipping through the notebook. "Damn it, just give it back. It was strange of me to do that."

From the couch, Ayako gave him a disapproving look. "I'm not giving it back. It's quite useful, now that I think about it. And besides, I would never give back a present."

"You don't even like it." Kaoru pointed out, still somewhat hurt.

"Yes I do." Smiling, she slipped it into her bag. "Thank you, Kaoru. It was very sweet of you to get me a meal diary."

Kaoru frowned. "It's not a diary, it's a _journal_."

Ayako snorted. "I have journals, Kaoru, and trust me. _This_ is a diary. I mean, it has little stickers and everything on the back cover."

"I picked it because it was blue and you like blue!" Kaoru said hurriedly, flushing again.

Laughing, she only picked up the television remote and changed it to the news channel. "Why did you get me one, anyway? Are you telling me that I'm fat and I need to watch my calories?" And with this question, she gave him a sharp look that implied many unpleasant things.

"You're getting too skinny," he said slowly between sips of water. "You should eat properly."

"I am eating properly." Ayako replied, raising an eyebrow.

Kaoru just stared at her.

Ayako turned to watch the television. "I eat when I have time. Between work and more work, that doesn't leave that much time."

"You always have time enough to see me." Kaoru stated as he started walking towards his fridge. Opening it, he looked around. "You like curry, right?"

"That's because you're my boyfriend." Ayako teased before turning to look back at Kaoru. "And yes, why?"

Kaoru started taking out ingredients. "I'll make you some."

"Are you serious?" Ayako got off the couch. "Don't we have a reservation at that restaurant you really like tonight?"

Freezing, Kaoru weighed his options. "But the last time we went there, you barely ate."

"I wasn't hungry that time." Ayako smiled slightly, "Let's both relax on our day-off's. And tonight I'll eat a lot, okay?"

Kaoru hesitated before answering. "Promise?"

Ayako laughed. "Promise."

**xx.**

"I'm sorry."

Kaoru raised an eyebrow, hissing. "Are you drunk?"

Hazue laughed. "Maybe just a little bit." Then, he looked down at his gin. "I'm sorry."

"Sorry about what?" Kaoru asked, his eyes focused on the soccer game on the big screens above them. Around him people mingled while holding drinks, some even dancing. It was a normal bar, although it smelled a bit. Why was his brother sorry? They had gone to worse places.

"I always knew, you know. But I was selfish. I didn't want to realize it."

Kaoru let out another hiss. "What are you even talking about?"

Hazue looked up at his brother, and he looked so genuinely apologetic that Kaoru was taken aback. "I'm talking about you. And... Yuuka."

There was silence between them, and then Kaoru cleared his throat nervously. "There's nothing to apologize about."

"Stop it, aniki. I know." Hazue was still staring at him, eyes sad and despairing. "I always knew on some level, I think. Even before I started liking her. But she was just so pretty and lovely and-"

Kaoru slammed his beer down on the counter. "That's enough." Glaring at Hazue, he said slowly, "There is nothing to apologize about. I think it's time to go home."

Hazue looked like he was about to refuse, but then he reluctantly paid the bill and they both walked out into the cold. While waiting at the bus stop, Hazue felt himself tear up. Damn it, why couldn't he be a man like his brother? "I... I'm sorry, aniki!"

"Stop saying that!" Kaoru shouted, grabbing onto Hazue's jacket. He shook his brother, angry that he was reacting. He was supposed to have forgotten about his feelings. Hazue and Yuuka had a precious little daughter and Kaoru had started going out again, it was supposed to be over. "And even if you are, what's the use? The past is in the past. I'm over it."

"So you liked her after all." Hazue mumbled.

Kaoru didn't reply.

"It's not too late, you know." Hazue said quietly. "I want her to be happy, that's all. You can still win her over. I-" Hazue stopped as he was punched in the face, and he fell over on the hard cement. Shocked, he looked up at his brother. When was the last time he had seen him be so angry?

"Yuuka is a strong woman." Kaoru said, unclenching his fist. "If she didn't like you, she wouldn't have stayed with you for so long. Don't be an idiot, she obviously likes you as well. She's happy." Eyes looking away, he turned around. "And the past is in the past, remember?"

Hazue felt a tear escape before he hurriedly wiped his eyes, standing back up. "She's happy, but she could be happier with you."

"I'm honestly over it." Kaoru said after five minutes of silence, just as the bus arrived.

"You're a liar." Hazue said, and Kaoru was immediately transported back five years.

Hissing, Kaoru dropped his handful of coins into the dispenser. "That's great, my entire family is full of Dr. Phil's."

Hazue stayed quiet the entire ride home, his head at one point leaning over to rest on his brother's shoulder. Kaoru didn't remark on it.

**xxi.**

"That's enough," Ayako said firmly as she put down her menu. "I've had enough."

Kaoru looked up, surprised. They had only walked into the restaurant ten minutes earlier, why was everyone always getting angry at him so early in the process? "What are you doing?"

Ayako stared at him and he felt her gaze pierce into his eyes. "I don't know what's wrong with you, but I don't want to be the only serious one in this relationship."

"You're not-" Kaoru hissed as she placed her hand over his on top of the table, shushing him.

"Don't, Kaoru. It's been five months now, and I just can't see if you're interested in me." Ayako said, her face stony as she let go of his hand. She would not let him see her fall apart. She kept her eyes guarded, her lips pursed. However, her voice faltered as soon as she began speaking. "Some days you treat me well and make me feel so happy, and then others," her voice dropped to a whisper, "You don't even look at me. Like I'm just a companion to eat your meals with. I've had enough."

Kaoru felt his heart pang in an all too familiar way. Was that it? Was this another love that was just going to go down the drain? He liked Ayako, maybe even loved her, but there was always a... barrier.

Maybe they just fell for each other by mistake, like a coincidence that was never supposed to happen.

But seeing her then, seeing her carefully guarded eyes and white knuckles and face wrought in all kinds of worry, he knew he didn't want to hurt her. He didn't want to lose someone again just because he didn't figure out his feelings-he _couldn't_ figure out his feelings.

"You're wrong," he said slowly, eyes trained on hers. "You're not just a companion. You're my girlfriend, and I wouldn't spend time with you like this if I didn't," Kaoru stopped. Swallowed. "If I didn't love you."

Ayako closed her eyes, her lips still pursed. He could tell she was fighting back tears, and it only made him want to keep her more. Finally, she opened her eyes and took a deep breath.

"That woman, Yuuka," she whispered, flinching when Kaoru cringed at the name, "Do you love her as well?"

Kaoru's eyes widened. He always knew that one day, he'd have to talk to Ayako about it. But between what was right and what he should have said, his brain fumbled and his mouth became dry. Flashes of Yuuka passed his mind, and he shook them out. Yuuka was Hazue's wife, the mother of his brother's child. Yuuka was his _sister-in-law_. Yuuka wasn't allowed to live in his heart anymore.

"Don't be ridiculous. Of course I don't." Kaoru finally said.

Tears found their way into her eyes again, and this time Ayako didn't bother trying to hold them back. She grabbed her purse, hands shaking, and glared at Kaoru. "You're lying," her voice quivered as she spoke, standing up. "You're lying and I hate it." With one last suppressed sob, she turned on her heel and left the restaurant.

Kaoru put his head in his hands and hissed.

He loved Ayako.

In the back of his head though, he also loved Yuuka. He couldn't deny it anymore, not after being told so many times. His chest ached.

He always found out too late. And now they were both out of his grasp.

There was only one option left. His heart slammed in his chest and he stood up. Only one option left.

**xxii.**

"Kaoru?" Yuuka opened the door with wide eyes that soon became filled with apprehension. "I... Hazue and Sakura aren't in right now, but-"

"Yuuka." Kaoru cut her off, his voice steadier than he thought it would be. "Yuuka, we need to talk."

A wave of feelings washed over Yuuka's face. Confusion led to understanding, which transformed into worry, which at last turned to neutral before showing a glimmer of relief.

"Come in."

_Tonight_, Kaoru told himself, _you are going to end this_.

And for the first time in a long time, his mind and heart agreed.

**xxiii.**

Yuuka looked down at her tea, cupped in between her hands. "Hazue took Sakura-chan out to dinner, they should be back soon. What do you want to talk about?"

On the couch facing hers, Kaoru let his eyes rest on her, and he took her in. She raised her eyes as well, and for a minute, the air was so thick that they had to fight to breathe.

"I think," Kaoru began, and he saw Yuuka stiffen. "No I _know_, and I've known for a long time now," here he smiled slightly, "That I love you. Even before you got pregnant, before you got married, before everything. Sixteen years ago, I fell in love with you."

"Kaoru-" Yuuka began, but he shushed her.

"I'm not done. I love you, and I think somehow, I always will. But what I said before was wrong. You _can_ love two people at the same time." Kaoru bit his lip, feeling his heart thump a million different beats. "And I am. It took me this long to figure out, but I also love Ayako. Weirdly enough though, I can't have her unless I realize that I love you too. And now she's gone." Kaoru laughed bitterly. "Strange, isn't it?"

"It's not," Yuuka smiled. Tears started streaking down her face into her tea, but she didn't wipe them away. "B-because I'm the same. I love Hazue and I love Sakura and I love my life. I've known this ever since I gave birth and I saw the man next to me and I realized that I _can_ be happy. But I wasn't sure if what I thought was just an excuse for myself, or the truth." With a tear-stained resolution, she breathed in. "With this, I can finally move on. I'm not a sinner. You're not one either, Kaoru. We can both love now."

"You're really a wonderful woman," Kaoru said quietly. "Hazue's lucky to have you."

Yuuka laughed softly. "I'm lucky to have him."

"He's always known about us." Kaoru smiled crookedly.

She nodded. After a few unsuccessful wipes at her eyes, she tilted her head and smiled. "I think Kaoru... that you should go now. To Ayako. I think you need to tell her something."

"I do too." Kaoru stood up, leaning across the coffee table to kiss her on her forehead. "Thank you, Yuuka."

"I'm so happy," she whispered. "I hope you can be too."

Kaoru left her there on her couch, and walked out towards a dark sky. If he squinted, he could see the stars behind a thin veil of clouds. It was nine-thirty. There was still time enough.

On his way towards Ayako's apartment, he tripped three times on thin air. It was like he had just taken huge weights off of his entire body; he hadn't walked that light in years.

As he approached the building, Kaoru hissed. He was the man known for perseverance. This time, he was not going to give up.

**xxiv.**

Hazue came back to an unlocked front door and a crying wife. Strangely enough though, she didn't seem bothered at all. Instead, she looked... relaxed. As if she had been released from something chaining her down.

He blinked. "Honey?"

"I love you Hazue," she said while smiling. "I always have."

Something in him broke, and he couldn't help but start crying as well. Leaving the confused Sakura at the door, he ran to bring her into his arms.

Yuuka buried her face in his shoulder, hugging him tightly.

"I'm sorry for the wait."

**xxv.**

Knowing that she would never open the door for him, Kaoru stared up from the street at Ayako's apartment. Hissing, he reached for his cell phone. Before he could regret his decision, he dialed the number and closed his eyes, begging that it would go through. On the fourth ring, the phone clicked and Kaoru almost smiled. But getting her to pick up was the easy part, it was the next step that was more important.

"Kaoru, I really don't have the time or will right now to talk to you-"

A deep breath in. "I went to see Yuuka."

"...I fail to see how that is any of business."

"I... I told her that I loved her. And I do."

Silence. "Well. Congratulations. Again, I fail to-"

"But I'm not _in_ love with her."

"...What?"

Another deep breath. "I loved her in the past, and I'll always remember her. But the one that I'm in love with now, want to be in love with in the future, is you. I love _you_, Ayako."

"I'm hanging up."

"No-wait, why? I really do, Ayako, please believe-"

"I do. And that's why I'm hanging up."

Kaoru stared at his cell phone. "Why?"

"Because I believe you but at the same time I don't want to and I want to rearrange my feelings."

He rolled his eyes. "Ayako, _please_. Isn't there something I can do?"

A pause, in which Kaoru had to check that she hadn't actually hung up. "Then, tell me everything about you."

"Everything?"

"I feel like I don't know you. That's why I want to know everything about you, from where you've come from to who you are now to what you feel and think inside your head. I want to know the man that I love, _maybe_. So tell me on the phone."

"Ayako, it's freezing out here."

"I think that you owe me at least this."

The corner of Kaoru's mouth twitched upwards as he hissed. Slowly making his way over to a bench, he sat down. "Well, I was born on-"

"You know I know that part already. I want to know what you haven't told me."

"Alright." Kaoru closed his eyes, wondering how he was supposed to tell everything. If he went back to the very beginning, where everything had started, would that be okay? If she knew everything that had happened, she probably wouldn't want him anymore. But she was still waiting silently over the phone, so that had to mean something. He had to take the risk.

"The Matsuyama's lived two houses down the street..."


End file.
